If I Had $1(86) Million....

There's a great song by The Barenaked Ladies called "If I Had A Million Dollars" with some fun lyrics that go like this:

If I had a million dollars
(If I had a million dollars)
Well, I'd buy you a fur coat
(But not a real fur coat that's cruel)
And if I had a million dollars
(If I had a million dollars)
Well, I'd buy you an exotic pet
(Yep, like a llama or an emu)

And this:

If I had a million dollars
We wouldn't have to eat Kraft Dinner
But we would eat Kraft Dinner
Of course we would, we’d just eat more
And buy really expensive ketchups with it
That’s right, all the fanciest ke... dijon ketchups!
Mmmmmm, Mmmm-Hmmm

If I had a million dollars
(If I had a million dollars)
Well, I'd buy you a green dress
(But not a real green dress, that's cruel)

That always kills me...a green dress being cruel. But why is this relevant? Well, Oregon is part of the Powerball lottery states and tonight's jackpot is at $186 million. And I just dropped $10 for tickets.

Funny thing with us - we have a cutoff as to when it seems to be okay to buy a lottery ticket. Most people do - it has to be a certain amount for me to make the walk to 7-11 from work to pick it up. Our cutoff is $100 million, which when you really look at it is completely arbitrary. I mean, it's not like I'd turn my nose up at $50 million...or $1 million...or really $100 - $100 million for some reason just makes it okay in our minds to spend money on something with astronomical odds of us getting anything back on.

I mean, the odds are the same no matter what the jackpot is - what goes up is the probability of having to share it which, really, I'd probably get over.

What would I do if I won? I mean, it's not going to happen anyway, but no matter what every time I have a ticket in my wallet I always spend a little time playing the what-if game; it's a nice break from the regular humdrum of work, which blows. Especially now when the world is whacking bonuses and forcing employees with no say to take lower wages and produce the same amount of work.

First thing I would do is move. I love Portland, I love the Northwest, but if I could get a nice beachfront house in Maui I'd do it in a second. Sorry Portland...I'd come visit to indulge my hedonistic food fantasies, but you just can't compete with palm trees, sunny skies, soft waves, and pretty fish and turtles under the water.

I wouldn't even have to win that much...heck, I'd try and make it happen on $2 million (half for the house, and have to invest and live off long-term). That's the first thing I'd do though with a jackpot.

I'd buy a nicer house in the Portland area, one I could come to whenever I wanted. A couple cars in each garage. Travel the world, seeing the sights and eating the specialties (within reason, I still have no desire to eat tripe and various other types of offal).

Wait, back up - I'd quit my job first. Sorry guys, I'm done. No, you don't get any notice - what are you going to do about it? Give a bad reference to my next work? HA!

I'd take care of the mortgages of my immediate family. I'm not going to support everyone if I could, but I'd make life a heck of a lot easier without everyone's biggest bill. I'd make sure both of our parents didn't have to worry about anything ever again.

I'd pay for college for the kids in my immediate family (which, at the moment, looks pretty dang cheap).

I'd travel the U.S. by car, seeing everything I could, hiking all over.

I'd write a book, just because I could, based on that experience. I have another book idea - which at this point may be an outdated idea and could be a better website - based on experiences at every single sports arena.

I'd follow my favorite college football team for a full season. Then do it again the next year with my favorite NFL team. And write about it.

And all this writing? It would never matter if anyone would read it or not - it would just be fun (which, now that I think about it, describes this blog anyway).

I would also probably do some good for the world. Wifey has wanted to start a Bengal cat rescue, since the closest one around is in California. Of course, without a chunk of change to do it right, it's not a good idea.

I would turn away just about everyone who was looking for seed money for an investment - this is how a lot of lottery winners (and professional athletes) end up broke, but putting their money in schemes of their friends. Well, maybe I wouldn't turn them all away - but I'd hire a business advisor and you better come with a proper presentation, otherwise no chance.

There are probably plenty of other things on the list too... But its 99.99% likely to not happen. Still, someone, sometime has to win, and I have 10 sets of numbers. So it could happen. If you don't hear from me for awhile, you will know why.

What would you do with a lottery jackpot?

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